When I found out that my wife and I were expecting a child my first reaction was excitement, followed quickly by preparation. We bought the books, we watched the videos and we took the classes. We had everything figured out… until we didn’t.
Research is great, preparation is key, but nothing outside of direct experience and a crystal ball could truly prepare us for the new adventure coming our way.
This realization started with the birth and the craziness leading up to the birth. We had every intention of following the birth “plan” and all of the super healthy, amazing stuff we had researched for after the delivery. Without getting into too much detail, the birth didn’t go as planned and a good amount of what we had planned post-birth was nowhere near how things actually went down.
Like most new experiences, having a baby was a huge learning opportunity and I continue to learn every day. Here are 10 key things I learned as a new dad that I am hoping will help others.
Lesson 1: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth” (Mike Tyson)
Much like Mike Tyson’s famous quote, our plans were quickly disrupted by the human element of having a baby. While there are elements of math and science that go into having a baby, the end results are not quite as formulaic. I had to learn to roll with the punches that this new element provided and learn to accept and appreciate that some (most) things were outside of my control.
Lesson 2: The importance of putting my own oxygen mask on first
During the safety demonstration at the beginning of any flight the flight attendants stress the importance of putting your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others, which is another way of saying that we need to take care of ourselves in order to be able to care for others. In a similar metaphor, you can’t pour from an empty cup; I needed to ensure that I took care of myself to enable me to be of any use to my wife and child. There have been few if any life experiences I have faced where the necessity of self-care was so important. Even if it was something small – closing my eyes for 10 minutes to rest, eating a full meal, getting a shower – these small acts meant that there was more of me to give to my family.
Lesson 3: Brain no good when me no sleep
Long story, but I didn’t get any sleep for about a week prior to my son’s birth and for about a week after. I have dealt with insomnia in the past (luckily I have pretty much been able to conquer that one), but never with the added element of trying to care for a recovering wife and newborn child and the fact that my son could scream loud enough to wake the deaf. With a crying newborn there is almost always a reason that they are crying and if you follow the same steps it can be pretty easy to figure out what’s going on. Are they hungry? Is it the diaper? Too cold/hot? Need to be burped? Just want to be held? If none of these work the first time you rinse and repeat until the crying stops. Seems simple enough, but it’s amazing how easy it is to forget these elements when dealing with a sleep deficit and a baby sized hurricane warning alarm turned up to 11. An hour or two of sleep and it seems like a no-brainer. Take sleep when you can get it.
Lesson 4: Know when to tag in and when to tag out
My wife and I learned to recognize when the other needed to step away for a minute, which was much easier to recognize in each other than ourselves. We both got to what seemed like our breaking points pretty frequently and knowing when to step in or step away was a game changer in being able to function and respond properly. This solution didn’t come to us right away, we both wanted to be “on” all the time. Once we realized that it was ok to have one person step away to refresh and learned the signals for when it was time to do so, things got a lot better. Lesson learned, know when to tag in and when to tag out.
Lesson 5: Everyone is full of advice and not all of it is good
It’s a bit hypocritical to write my lessons learned in a manner where I am hoping to help others and sharing this lesson learned, but stick with me. We found that everyone that we spoke to – our family members, friends, weird person holding a sign outside of the store, etc. – would provide unsolicited advice for something we were going through (or may face in the future) as parents. Sometimes the advice was solid and sometimes it was crap. The lesson here was to take what worked for us and accept that all of the advice was well-intended, but that we, as the parents, were the deciding parties when it came to how we care for our child. Sometimes it was necessary to find a polite way to tell these well-intended advice givers to simmer down. This may seem harsh, but it can be very stressful to hear why you are doing something wrong when trying your hardest with what you’ve got.
Lesson 6: It’s OK to accept and ask for help
I am typically the person that will stubbornly say “no thanks, I’ve got this” when people ask if they can help me, even if I am figuratively drowning. It took me a while before I was able to accept help once our little guy arrived. Once I was able to accept and then learn to ask for help, my life got a lot easier, I was able to function better and realized that people genuinely like to help. While I can still fall into my old ways of not accepting help, if a family member offers to watch the baby so I can close my eyes for a minute, I will jump at the opportunity. These little occurrences allow me to recuperate to a point of being able to be more present and engaged when I return to the room.
Lesson 7: Setting boundaries is healthy and necessary
I have done extensive research into frustrations for new parents and one topic that comes up 9 times out of 10 is when well-intended family or friends walk over the new parents’ rights to be in control of how they raise their child. There comes a point where I had to decide whether it was worth it to risk awkwardness and potentially hurting peoples’ feelings or keeping ourselves happy and sane. Boundaries set, bye Felicia!
An additional concern in our situation came with the Covid pandemic, which we all know is a polarizing topic in itself. I am very protective of my family and see Covid as a threat just as real as any other. Babies’ immune systems are not very strong and something like Covid can hit them hard. I have made sacrifices and risk being ostracized in the measures I take to protect my son and family from Covid. Being a recovering people pleaser, it can be hard telling people that they can’t hold our baby, to mask up and sanitize if they are someone we would let hold him or risk hurting feelings telling people not to share food with him or kiss his face. These practices and boundaries we have set have helped to keep our baby safe and healthy and have helped my wife and I to limit outside stressors, keeping our relationship safe and healthy.
Lesson 8: There is nothing more precious than a child’s laughter
For the first few weeks a baby won’t laugh or voluntarily smile (if they appear to, it’s likely just gas), so most of the feedback they are able to give you comes in the form of screaming. This stage was very rough on me, it felt like I wasn’t doing anything right. Once I started getting genuine smiles, followed later on by laughter, my tears went from ones of frustration and exhaustion to tears of pure joy, awe and love. This leads to the next lesson…
Lesson 9: It gets better
Life changes when you become a parent (obviously) and for me, there were many challenges that showed up in the form of sleep loss, the resulting foggy-headedness that comes with the sleep deprivation, feeling like I couldn’t do anything right when my baby was crying, having less time and energy to spend with my wife, and on and on. I can say, in my experience, things get a lot easier, starting with the smiles. Once I started to see smiles as a form of positive reinforcement when I would do something my baby liked, I was better able to pick up on his other cues. Later on came a little bit more sleep, which resulted in a parting of the fog that seemed to be ever-present when I needed to use my brain (don’t get me started on the impact of the first full night’s sleep). Through being intentional, I was able to spend more quality time with my wife. Now every new challenge that shows up comes with a reminder that it will get better and be replaced or supplemented with another challenge, which will also get better.
Lesson 10: Enjoy and be in the moment
Babies don’t stay babies forever. Perhaps you have heard your own parent stating that they can’t believe that you are (insert age) years old and how they still remember when you were knee high to a grasshopper (or other odd saying). I have also heard a few of my parent friends say “the moments are long, but the years fly by”. In reviewing the past 16 months (to the day at the time of posting) I look back and realize how much my little guy has changed. How quickly cute mannerisms are learned and replaced, how complete dependence has been replaced with a yearning to do things on his own. The growth in communication, physical abilities, size and so much more makes me appreciate the individual moments. It can be easy to tune out or get lost thinking about the future, but these constant changes make me thankful to live in the moment and appreciate that the moments are constantly changing along with my son.
While I am sure that my experience as a new parent is not completely unique, I hope that these insights can help someone out there. These lessons learned are associated with my role as a parent, but they also apply in many other areas of life. How can you take one of these lessons and apply it to a situation you are currently experiencing?